Operation: Back to Beautiful

Well day one at my sister's. It's so weird that tomorrow I won't be dragging myself to micro lab or trying to stay awake through Public Policy. Hmf. I know that wanting to get better is the first step in getting better...but it all seems so far away. I have SO much to jump over it's sort of overwhelming. I wish I could just go back to my old self...

I was thinking about it this morning, and the last time I was REALLY happy was senior year of high school (I'm now a junior in college). What is the difference between now and then? I think it's this: I didn't own a scale. I exercised when I felt like it. I didn't over think what I was eating. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and stopped when I was full. Sounds so simple right?! RIGHT!? Why can't it be this simple? I want this girl back. Sure I wasn't super skinny...in fact, with gaining weight over break I am probably close to this size again. And I don't hate it. (I don't love it, it's going to take time). But here's the thing - I may be this size and I may be eating...but it's not easy. I am eating, but it's with hatred and discomfort and stress. Just wish I could be that girl in the photos again. So my stay at my sisters is going to be titled "Operation: Back to Beautiful".

I've realized feeling beautiful has really absolutely nothing to do with the way you look. 15 pounds lighter than I am now..I was absolutely miserable. So what's the secret? It's what you THINK on a daily basis. How you treat yourself. Time to do some serious work on the thoughts that fly through my head on a daily basis.
OK...now on to some more interesting stuff -----------------

Workout:

• 60 minutes on the arch trainer
  
• 15 minutes abs
• 10 minute cool down run @ an easy 7.0 mph

Today's work out flew by...I was jamming to a great playlist and watching Ellen. I love Ellen...anyone else out there? She makes my workouts on the treadmill/elliptical/arch trainer go much faster. I don't see how any of you can get on a treadmill without music/tv/something to read. I would rather watch paint dry or stab myself in the eyeballs. Seriously.

Alright I've done enough jumping around/rambling that I will leave you with this:

“Love After Love”
Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the others welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

There is no greater love than self love.

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there...”

So here I am. I'm making a blog. I'm doing it. After almost a year of stalking (probably your) blogs, I'm making my own. So here is the thang:

I'm currently a political science/health management major at a huge jazz school in little old NH. I LOVE to run. LOVE LOVE LOVE. (sorry). Moving on. Running has seen me through some pretty tough times and also some pretty great times. I guess you could say I'm a tiny, little bit ...obsessed. Last winter break I really became dedicated...running 40 - 50 miles a week. Here's where everything went wrong: I thought "if I can cut down my calories and continue to run...I'll lose weight...I'll be even happier than I am now!!". Flash forward a year later, and here I am. Sitting in my bed after an insane weekend of moving myself out of my suite and to Connecticut to live with my sister for the rest of the semester. I guess you could say my cutting calories created a downward spiral that I never could have predicted.

I took this semester off to get myself back to normal. To stop worrying over every little thing I put in my mouth. I want to be able to eat a meal and be done with it. Not obsess over it for the next 5 hours. I want to be able to wake up in the morning feeling happy. Not feeling ashamed of being hungry. I want to be normal. And here's the great thing: I was so so almost there by the end of this winter break. Then I got back to school...and everything went out the window. I'm sick of living like this. I REFUSE to continue to live like this. I'm getting my old self back, even if I have to reach deep down and kick her little ass. I have to do it. I've taken a semester off to do it and I can't waste this time. I moved away from my friends and my boyfriend to do this. There's no going back, only forward.

So this blog will be documenting that, my runs/gym workouts, and all other randomness that is me. Promise next post will be a lot more fun/less heavy!